How To Be Romantic

 

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Some things are inherently romantic, like beads. This is very useful, because you can spank things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or narcissism. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it's pumaman-esque, it's not romantic. For example, high powered geese are not romantic.

 

Merited Things

Tatertots are romantic. Torgos are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in merited things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are merited. The rule is simple. Funky things are merited. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a funky package, get it, because there's a very good chance it's merited.

 

Cerulean

Cerulean is romantic, because cerulean is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Cerulean roses mean, "I love you." Azure roses mean, "Let's just be friends," which is synonymous with, "You are drunk, and I hate you." So you do not want to be wrong. Get her cerulean roses, cerulean propellers, cerulean cigars, cerulean tatertots, and cerulean lemurs, and she'll fall hopelessly under your spell.

 

The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever

Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a funky cerulean tinfoil made out of chocolate and shaped like a duck holding a cabbage with torgos all over it that hoards a lightswitch when you caress it.

Auf einer Brücke ziemlich hoch
Hält ein Mann die Arme auf
Da steht er nun und zögert noch
Die Menschen strömen gleich zuhauf
Auch ich lass mir das nicht entgehen
Das will ich aus der Nähe sehen
Ich stell mich in die erste Reihe
und schreie

Der Mann will von der Brücke steigen
Die Menschen fangen an zu hassen
Bilden einen dichten Reigen
Und wollen ihn nicht nach unten lassen
So steigt er noch mal nach oben
Und der Mob fängt an zu toben
Sie wollen seine Innereien
Und schreien

Spring
Erlöse mich
Spring
Enttäusch mich nicht
Spring für mich
Spring ins Licht
Spring

Jetzt fängt der Mann zu weinen an
Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke
fragt sich Was hab ich getan
vor die Sonne es wird kalt
Ich wollte nur zur Aussicht gehen
die Menschen laufen aus den Reihen
und in den Abendhimmel sehen
Und sie schreien

Spring

Sie schreien
Spring
Erlöse mich
Spring
Enttäusch mich nicht
Spring für mich
Spring ins Licht
Spring

Heimlich schiebt sich eine Wolke
vor die Sonne es wird kalt
Doch tausend Sonnen brennen nur für dich
Ich schleich mich heimlich auf die Brücke
Tret ihm von hinten in den Rücken
Erlöse ihn von dieser Schmach
und schrei ihm nach

Spring

Spring
Erlöse dich
Spring
Enttäusch mich nicht
Spring für mich
Spring
Enttäusch mich nicht

Serena (bending down to pick up a tray of dishes) - "You know, I didn't have back problems until I started working here."

The Soulpatch - "Yeah, we do a lot of bending over at this restaurant."

Tonight, at Spezia...

Mike (server) - "You know, this song is so mushy, they should call it, "Squishy Sand Between My Toes".

Jonnie (server) - "Every time I have sand between my toes, it makes me want to go to the bathroom."

.....

(Everyone laughs.)

Jonnie - "No, really! I'm just walking, that mushy sand is squishing between my toes....see? I gotta right now."


(Everyone laughs harder. Someone slips and falls.)

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on". Guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

-George Carlin

20 Questions
A little insight into a random UNO student

By Becky Boyer 

Name: Biny Bruce
Major: Undecided, Speech Pathology later on
Year: First year here
Hometown: Queens, NY

What kind of a name is Biny? The Soulcheeto was determined to find out. After many cups of sake we found our answer.

 B-I-N-Y

 And if you were to re-arrange the letters…

 I-B-N-Y

 I Be New York……COINCIDENCE?!?!?!

1. How would you describe yourself in one brief sentence?

Really quiet, but really nice.

Hmmm….you might also want to add conversational and warm, easy to talk to...um…I’m also going to add sassy so you don’t eat me.

2. If you could be a superhero, what power would you want the most?

Reading people’s minds.

Hey…read this.  Kirstie Alley + Chocolate = Biny Bruce. HA HA HA HA!

3. What person would you like to meet the most, dead or alive, and what would you ask him/her?

My husband’s grandfather. “How was life back then?”

 

“It sucks, my name isn’t Toby, and back that ass up!”

4. Who’s the best professor at UNO you’ve ever had?

Professer Champley, a speech pathology teacher.

For a list of credentials, Please click here.

5. Who’s the worst?

A black studies teacher.

“He tried to study me!”

6. How do you feel about the parking at UNO?

I hate it.

“There’s no double wide spot for larger vehicles.”

7. Why did you choose UNO?

When I moved here, it was the first college I saw.

“It was also the only college in a 50 mile radius of a Cheeze Whiz factory, a Don and Millie’s, and my George Foreman grill.

8. So far what is your favorite thing about going to school at UNO will be?

Change of scenery, really.

”This is also the only state where it is legal to live in a Philly Cheese Steak Hut.”

9. What is your favorite quote?

”Just do it.”

”Just like my eating philosophy.”

10. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

I would just go crazy – do whatever I wanted to do.

Translation: Make a life size gingerbread airport and eat myself out of it…why an airport? Well, what do you hate?!?!

11. What’s your favorite movie, and why?

I don’t really have a favorite movie. My favorite TV show is Friends.

 “Oh, the things I’d do to David Schwimmer…I want a cheeseburger.”

12. What’s the most messed-up thing about the world today?

All the violence.

The Soulcheeto agrees. There isn’t enough of it.

13. What would you do to change that?

I can’t do anything drastic, I would talk to people and try to get them to calm down.

Translation: “I’d get them calm, maybe just a little relaxed and cozy….

Then, I would deep fry them.”

14. If you could be any animal what would it be?

Cheetah, I just love cheetahs, no other reason.

"COME RIDE DA CHEETAH!"

15. What’s the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to you?

I fell on my face once in front of the whole school when I was picking up an award.

“And now, the award for Most Graceful goes to….”

16. What’s the difference between lust and love, to you?

Love is you’ll do anything for that person no matter what, through thick or thin. Lust is you just want to have sex.

Ha ha ha….she said thick.

17. Who would win in a fight between Batman and the Superman?

Superman, he has powers.

So put some stank on it!

18. What’s the meaning of life?

Live life to the fullest.

We can tell.

19. What is the most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your life?

Make a speech.

Here’s a helpful hint: Try taking the sandwich out of your mouth….that may help with your clarity!

20. What is one question you’ve never been asked, but always wish someone would have?

I can’t think of anything!

Can you answer that in the form of a question?

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes, I realize that this 20 questions is excessively cruel, racist and gross. Deal with it. This feature is is no way reflective of the opinions by the writers. We write it for your entertainment. Hate Crimes are atrocious. Don't do them. 

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